It’s been seventeen days since I arrived in Denmark and it’s sometimes hard to believe that I’m really here, on my own. New experiences bring new challenges and I’m being reminded of that every day. The last time I had to completely readjust to a new living space, new people, new places, a new schedule, and new ways of getting around all at the same time was my first year of college, and there I had the security of knowing that I’d be there for the next four years, I’ll be here for four months and then I’ll have to adjust back again.
None of this is to say that I’m not excited to be here and grateful for all of the opportunities of this trip, it is simply an exercise in acknowledging that success is not defined by perfection, it is defined by persistence. It’s an ongoing journey and it is so much more than a list of achievements. So I’m allowing myself some space to feel overwhelmed, tired, anxious, scared, and unsure about everything I’m doing, but I’m doing it anyway.
Now, every time I get on my bike, I still need to take a few breaths to calm down before joining the busy roads and bike paths, but I’m also a little more confident in knowing my way. I still tense up whenever someone passes me on a narrow stretch, but each time, my tension eases faster. I can pass people myself now. Though sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to keep up with the crowd, I can feel my legs getting stronger, my balance improving, and my body settling into the rhythm of using my bike. I’ve memorized landmarks where I need to make turns on my common routes and I’ve gotten better at checking my watch for directions while riding. I still miss the comfort of a car. I miss the protection from other vehicles, people, and weather, I miss being able to navigate more easily, I miss being able to bring along almost anything if I wanted. But each time I bike to work, or school, or the gym despite being uncomfortable, I get a little more comfortable and a little more confident.
Each day at work is even more terrifying. I often don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing and I don’t like to ask. When I am given a task, I usually feel like I don’t know how to do it and again, I’m not good at asking for help or clarification. Sometimes it takes me a few minutes to build up the courage, but I have to push myself to ask questions. Sometimes I’ll be asked to program something I’ve never seen before, sometimes I ask, sometimes I furiously google, sometimes I use trial and error until something works. I worry all the time that my work won’t be good enough, but it is, and if it ever isn’t, I’ll learn from that.
School is the same way. I wasn’t planning on going to grad school, at least not for awhile. Now I’m taking a class with master’s and PhD students in a subject I have’t studied since high school. I am learning, but I’ve had imposter syndrome for a long time and it can be especially difficult to escape when there are parts of the material that I actually don’t recognize or understand. But I’m showing up for class scared, taking notes scared, raising my hand scared and I will keep doing it. Then at some point, I’ll just be showing up for class, taking notes, and raising my hand.
One of the biggest challenges of being here on my own is loneliness, I’m quiet at lunch with my coworkers, and I usually eat alone when I’m at school. Sometimes that’s fine, and I prefer a little alone time. Sometimes I’d like to be more involved in the conversation. It takes time, but it does continue to improve, each time I’m confident enough to make a joke, I feel more connected with the group. I also use my silence to listen and learn more about the people I work with. There’s a work party coming up, so I’ll go to that I think. It’s easier with my classmates. In fact, I’m starting to feel like I can actually call the people in my small group friends. I’m going to the KU festival with at least one of them tomorrow. It’s hard to make new friends in a new place, but each step is a good one.
One step at a time, everything is getting easier, there will be new challenges that arise and I won’t handle them perfectly, but I will handle them. That is how I’m setting off into this adventure, giving myself time, pushing myself, setting goals and making commitments to myself, and doing my best to keep them. Sometimes it feels like a lot just to stay hydrated all day, or eat enough food, take a shower, or brush my teeth. Sometimes those successes, like cleaning my room even though I’m tired, are just as important as the bigger ones, like figuring out how to code a new function in a program. Acknowledging the small victories also serves as an important reminder that I am more than my work and my value is not rooted in my productivity. There is so much that this experience will teach me both in and out of the office and classroom, and I want to be open and ready for all of it. So each day I go a little deeper into the unknown, and each day the unknown becomes a little more known.
Sophia Penney 